Today, I visited yesterday.
It was a complete surprise to arrive at the library in Provo and notice that many parents and toddlers were entering the building, bright and early. As we walked into the doors, I had a flash of memory. Me, escorting two little boys to the library, bright and early to catch story time.
And today, I had with me two little boys. It felt as if I was in a time warp, because I have not made time to take children to story time in 12 years. I had a battle of the wills. The hurry up, mom of 8 children in me - wanting to get in, get the books, and get out to continue with my errands of the day. The long forgotten mom of 2 - wanting to take the boys to story time, sure it would be for their benefit and well being. They could sing, laugh, socialize. When did I lose that part of myself?
Determined to revisit that part of my existence, to see if these boys would appreciate the experience, we settled in to wait for story time to begin. We read a few books to pass the time. Then I watched the parents around me. All with small children. All young - appearing to all be gearing up for the challenge of parenting for the day. I remembered so clearly being one of them. Flustered and worried that I might get it wrong. That my children may not be dressed well enough, might not behave well enough, might not remember the words to the songs we had been practicing.
And today, there was none of that angst of a new parent. None of the expected prefection from my children, because these are my last two. I have more realistic expectations that I once did. The fact that the four year old had chosen to wear his snow boots seemed, not an embarassment, only a cute quirk that says "I'm four and I chose my own shoes today".
With my visit to the past, came questions for the present. Have I shorted my children (#'s 3 through 6) by NOT making time for things like story time at the library. Have I gotten into the habit of being in such a hurry that I have let time pass me by and not enjoyed my children as I should have? Did I give the first two children and unfair advantage over the others, more time, more attention, more worry over their wellbeing? Do I need to make a goal to take the children to more events, more story times, more outings, to insure that they will feel loved and cared for, just as the first two did?
A memory of a lesson just attended - a memory of a mother who has already raised her children whispers to me "do not wish the time away. Do not spend your time always looking to the next landmark your children will reach. Enjoy every moment. Savor them. Because all too soon, they will be only memories and you will wonder if you did everything you could have. If you did everything you should have. Wishing you had done more"
And so I sit. In the middle of my mothering years. I have been at this game for 17 years. I have 17 more forseeable years to go. And in the middle, I have been given a gift of clarity - a gift of insight.
I am so grateful for the mother that I have become - more focused, confident, and more readily able to enjoy my children.
I am so grateful for the reminder of the mother that I once was - determined to help my children experience life. I will work to merge both of those into one complete person. So that when this journey is through, I might be satisfied with the work I have done. Satisfied with the time I have spent. That I might not spend my time wishing I had done more.
Because today, I was able to visit yesterday.
And tomorrow, I will again be attending story time.

It all began 19 years ago. On St. Patricks Day. We had been married just under a year and I wanted to celebrate, to remember EVERY holiday. I began to wonder - just how do two newly married people celebrate a holiday based on small green leprechauns?
I decided to pick one facet of the holiday and run with it. GREEN. Bob always left for work so early that I did not have even one eyeball peeled open, much less had breakfast made. But dinner. Ahhhh, the first St. patrick's day dinner. Green Lasagne. MMMMMMM good! Fortunately, having come from a large family, I knew the ins and outs of cooking lasagne. Unfortunately, every time I cooked, it was enough to feed a large family. The thought never occured to me that there was any other pan size other than 9X13. Square pan? What is THAT? Fortunately I was creative enough to figure out that if you boil lasagne noodles in a pot of green food colored water, they would turn green. Unfortunately, when you add green food coloring to spaghetti sauce, it turns black. Fortunately, my husband, being the kind, 29 year old, grateful to finally be married sort ate said lasagne with only a minimum of revulsion. Unfortunately, he then had to take said lasagne in his lunch for a week until it was all gone, and endure the jokes of the men he worked with.
One would think that this experience would have turned me off of food coloring forever more. Did I mention that some people experience - umm - aftereffects from too much food coloring? I would have never known, because I am apparently not one of those people. Poor Bob.
And so, over the years, the tradition has continued, as it started. Bob did make me promise never ever to dye chicken green again, but that only lasted 2 years, then he forgot and I went back to chicken every other year. We have had a very wide variety of green food. Mashed potatoes, pancakes, soups, Pizza, rice, you name it, I have probably turned it green at some point. They say some traditions are made to be broken. But not this one. This year, I have created green clam chowder. Yummy!

Bathtime Dwindling

Only yesterday, I would pile 4 little boys into the bath tub. One in a chair with sticky feet to prevent him from toppling over into the sudsy water. One by one, I would wet their small heads of hair, then follow with a fragrant dollop of soap that was guaranteed to not cause them pain. After washing each head of hair, I would encourage them to stand and wash their bellies, their arms, and their feet. Hoping that one day, they would become responsible for these tasks, and that I would be free of the lingering backache that came with washing so many children at once. The bath time ritual was never complete without the rinse. The spray of water from the removable shower attachment, eliciting screams of anger, pain, and from the sounds - eminent death. Then on to the toweling dry, the gritting of my teeth in hopes that I could get them dressed, teeth brushed and flossed, and into bed without losing my mind, my sanity, or my temper.
And today, I washed only 3 boys in the tub. One has fled to modestly shower in the bathroom down the hall. And none sit in the chair with sticky feet. I begin to see that my future is changing. Possibly more quickly than I will be ready to let it go. What ever will I do when there is no one left for me to bathe in the tub.
Today, I will be grateful for those 3 heads of hair. For all of those fingers and toes. For the dirty ring around the tub after the water drains down - signifying the wonderful day spent playing outside.
For soon, those too will be just memories.

There is a phrase in a song "I'm just sittin' out here, watching airplanes take off and land". These are my favorite kind of airplanes. The kind with plenty of imagination, and not much know how. My favorite was Evan, because he had NO idea how to play airplane, no knowledge of how to stretch out those dimpled arms into airplane wings. He looked more like a hunchback than an airplane, but by golly, he put his whole self into the trying, didn't he?

And THIS is what happens when you tell a child that the dishwasher is full and that they must wash the pots and pans by hand.

Just before Thanksgiving, I saw a fantastic deal on a new washer and dryer. Add that to the fact that my old pair was - well - old and it was a done deal. Only not really. I did have to convince Bob that the old ones were on their last legs. The dryer WAS 10 years old and DID take 2 full cycles to dry anything. The washer DID smell of mildew and stopped mid cycle more often than not. What a waste of time to go into the laundry room, having a minute to change the wet to the dry, only to find that not only was it still wet, but still full of water!
So, the appliance fairy was kind and brought me a set of new front loaders which, in truth, has cut my laundry time in half!
Who knew that they would also double as entertainment? These little boys could sit for a full 10 minutes watching that laundry go 'round - and 10 minutes in little boy time is what - 2 hours in real human time?

It is a rare occasion that I get good pictures of Bob. He tends to hide when I pull out the camera. I think it must have been the dog. They always tend to get his full attention. I have never understood how he can let a dog lick him and jump on him, but I guess I should be grateful to this one for disarming Bob for a few shots at the school playground.

Second Eagle Scout

John has had his Eagle Project done for almost a year. I guess he could have had his Eagle while still 14, like Robby. Unfortunately, our favorite Scouting lady passed away about 2 years ago, and Bob and I did not know in which direction to push to get the paperwork finished up. It suddenly became very important to John, as he approached his 15th birthday. You know, the birthday that marks the date you can get your driver's permit IF (in our family) you have your Eagle Scout award, or your Young Woman's award. Suddenly, he kicked into high gear. He made phone calls, visited scouting personnel, filled out his application, and got the job done. Last week we attended his Eagle Scout Board of Review and his application was accepted. I am seriously considering requesting a letter of congratulations from Rush Limbaugh and from Glenn Beck to offset the obligatory presidential letter.
I guess it is almost time to start planning that second court of honor!

This was the moment I decided that I needed to start a blog. I seem to spend so much time watching my children doing such funny, interesting, or memorable things and trying to file away the memories. The problem with this is that, after 8 children, I do not actually claim to HAVE a memory. So I see all these things, tell myself to remember these things, and tomorrow, they are gone. Perhaps, this way, I can remember.