Today, I visited yesterday.
It was a complete surprise to arrive at the library in Provo and notice that many parents and toddlers were entering the building, bright and early. As we walked into the doors, I had a flash of memory. Me, escorting two little boys to the library, bright and early to catch story time.
And today, I had with me two little boys. It felt as if I was in a time warp, because I have not made time to take children to story time in 12 years. I had a battle of the wills. The hurry up, mom of 8 children in me - wanting to get in, get the books, and get out to continue with my errands of the day. The long forgotten mom of 2 - wanting to take the boys to story time, sure it would be for their benefit and well being. They could sing, laugh, socialize. When did I lose that part of myself?
Determined to revisit that part of my existence, to see if these boys would appreciate the experience, we settled in to wait for story time to begin. We read a few books to pass the time. Then I watched the parents around me. All with small children. All young - appearing to all be gearing up for the challenge of parenting for the day. I remembered so clearly being one of them. Flustered and worried that I might get it wrong. That my children may not be dressed well enough, might not behave well enough, might not remember the words to the songs we had been practicing.
And today, there was none of that angst of a new parent. None of the expected prefection from my children, because these are my last two. I have more realistic expectations that I once did. The fact that the four year old had chosen to wear his snow boots seemed, not an embarassment, only a cute quirk that says "I'm four and I chose my own shoes today".
With my visit to the past, came questions for the present. Have I shorted my children (#'s 3 through 6) by NOT making time for things like story time at the library. Have I gotten into the habit of being in such a hurry that I have let time pass me by and not enjoyed my children as I should have? Did I give the first two children and unfair advantage over the others, more time, more attention, more worry over their wellbeing? Do I need to make a goal to take the children to more events, more story times, more outings, to insure that they will feel loved and cared for, just as the first two did?
A memory of a lesson just attended - a memory of a mother who has already raised her children whispers to me "do not wish the time away. Do not spend your time always looking to the next landmark your children will reach. Enjoy every moment. Savor them. Because all too soon, they will be only memories and you will wonder if you did everything you could have. If you did everything you should have. Wishing you had done more"
And so I sit. In the middle of my mothering years. I have been at this game for 17 years. I have 17 more forseeable years to go. And in the middle, I have been given a gift of clarity - a gift of insight.
I am so grateful for the mother that I have become - more focused, confident, and more readily able to enjoy my children.
I am so grateful for the reminder of the mother that I once was - determined to help my children experience life. I will work to merge both of those into one complete person. So that when this journey is through, I might be satisfied with the work I have done. Satisfied with the time I have spent. That I might not spend my time wishing I had done more.
Because today, I was able to visit yesterday.
And tomorrow, I will again be attending story time.