I am very grateful that I have taken time to write about some of the joys I am finding in motherhood. Those precious, sweet moments that I am sure I will want to remember as the years go by.
Just so that I do not give the false impression that motherhood is all roses and daises - today is one of the two per month that I do not really enjoy motherhood. I know that it has to do mostly with hormones, and I remind myself that it is only temporary. While I am in the "dark mood" however, it sure feels real. It feels awful. It makes me fees compassion for those who struggle with depression on a continuing basis.
Keep in mind, what I am about to describe is not pretty. It is real. It happens on a once (sometimes twice) a month time frame. I know all women experience their own ups and downs, but It often leaves me exhausted, embarrassed, and ashamed.
Yesterday seemed like a good day. Right up until I got the call from the well meaning scout leader who asked sweetly (and 23 minutes late) if I was intending to bring Justin to his weekly scout meeting.
WEEKLY. As in EVERY WEEK. Wait, except for last week when I took him to scouts only to be sweetly told that in the note she had sent home, it said there was NO SCOUTS LAST WEEK.
And kindly reminded of next the meeting next Tuesday (yesterday).
At this point, let me point out that I have a total of 4 different scheduling systems in my home. I have a desk sized wall calendar that hangs on my pantry door for all to see. I have a monthly calendar in my office. I have 3 white board calendars also in the office that help me to schedule the times when I work. Also, I have recently delved into google calendars, knowing they would e mail me when it was time to DO something. Of course, that part has not been working out so well......
In my frantic effort to remember everything, I tossed around all the possibilities. I read the pros and cons of palm pilots -these little dream machines can do everything! Schedule your life, carry your scriptures, make your Dr. appointments. Oh wait. Almost everything. And you can find them used for not too much money.
I looked at the ipod touch. This one was recommended by some ladies on blog discussion about scheduling. And heaven knows I need help in that department. The cost of the ipod touch was enough to convince me that it was more of a want than a need.
I even looked at buying a new pricey cell phone. One with a teeny tiny keyboard. That would carry mp3's, and take pictures, and be a telephone, and maybe even have a great scheduling system. Maybe. The cost on that was more than I was comfortable with as well.
In talking to Bob, and to one of my sisters, I realized that I could just set alarms on my cell phone. Cheap, easy, efficient, right? I set 8 different alarms for this week, then made a great effort to keep that little phone right in my pocket every day.
This works well until it is Tuesday, Scout day, and you find you have set your alarm for THURSDAY!!!!!
What a long drawn out way to get to the point. The humiliation of forgetting Scouts (AGAIN) apparently combined with my raging hormones and turned me into a red eyed monster. I raged to the kids that apparently my butt phone was just as ineffective as every other method of scheduling invented. That I could NOT POSSIBLY be capable of keeping up with the schedules of 10 people. That from now on, if THEY want to go to an activity, it is THEIR responsibility to remind ME and not vice versa.
I would love to say this was the end of my rampage. But it was not. The worst part came when Bob came home. I was explaining to him how hard my day had been. How hard it was to be a mother and then I went looking for a pen to write a requested item on the shopping list. I probably should have just left the room. There were no pens. NOT ONE. Keep in mind, this is not an unusual occurrence. Just last week, when I ran into the no pen phenomena, I kindly went to my stash, pulled out 7 pens, put them in the container that is attached to the side of the fridge and smiled smugly. "That should keep me for a while" I thought. And just a few days later, they were gone????? I told Bob, I told John, I told Leigh Ann - quite possibly at the top of my lungs just how irritating it was to have 7 pens disappear in 4 days. Then I am pretty sure I did a 2 year old tantrum. I jumped up and down saying "pens, pens, pens, pens" until I got through it and left the room.
Embarrassing, right? At this point in the month, after I have thrown a good sized fit, I try to do damage control. Last night, this consisted with listening to a book on tape in BOTH ears while I finished cooking dinner. Eating quickly and then hiding out in the bath tub for an hour and a half.
I would love to say I feel all better today, but I will probably have to wait till tomorrow. For today, I don't really LIKE anyone. Myself included. Instead of seeing smiling happy wet little boys in the bathtub, I see little monsters who only want to argue and splash in my general direction. Instead of helping the 4 year old with his silverware, I yelled (not my usual modus operandi) and told him to quit whining. When my 15 year old commented that I make grits for breakfast a LOT lately, I told him he was welcome to get his butt out of bed at 6 am and make whatever in the world he thought sounded good.
I will cross my fingers and hope, desperately hope that tomorrow will be a better day.
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